Cancer sucks and so does my attitude...

I'm very angry right now. Once again, sleep is evading me. I'm emotional, but at the moment it's staying bottled in. It doesn't help that I'm uncomfortably pregnant. 

This isn't even about me. But it is effecting me. We've become intricately involved. 

New specialists have been consulted. The kind that are no longer "free". They treat her like a real person there. For that I'm thankful. Still. It's not for me. Once you use the word "chemo", your nothing to me. I don't care if you're a Harvard grad. And you never ever use the phrase, "There's no alternative at this point." I don't care where you got your degree. Or the phrase, "Her prospects are very hopeful".  

Really? 

I've withheld my opinion on this cancer matter publicly this whole time. But the exasperated pregnant lady can't keep it private anymore. I've done too much research on the matter. I've watched too many movies/shows with wretched vomiting chemo patient scenes. Don't get me wrong, I know plenty of you out there are cancer survivors with chemo. But could one person come forward who is a cancer survivor with an alternative cure? I know you exist. I've read about you.  

And...this is probably what I'm probably most upset about...I was expecting a miracle. Not a keep-her-alive kind of miracle. But a shrink-that-blasted-tumor-into-oblivion kind of miracle. A total healing miracle. The kind where it leaves the doctors dumb-founded. Maybe it's not too late for that. But when they start setting up chemo treatments, it probably is. I know we can't demand from God. He can't be bullied around. (We can ask Moses about that some day.) We are not his boss. But we can cry out to him. Even beg mercilessly. But not demand. This is my struggle. Maybe it's hers too. She's been expecting a miracle too. Maybe the difference is our motivation behind our expectations. 

For me, could it be more about the healing of her body (so she doesn't have to suffer and lose her hair) and less about God being glorified (for being GOD) in all of this? Because there is a difference. Is this more about how I view who God really is? I've been reading a lot about humility and pride to my kids. We've had plenty of discussion along that topic. Maybe it boils down to humility. Yes, God is the healer. Yes, we've been expecting (begging) for a miracle. But maybe I've not been coming before God with a humble heart. Maybe I've been clinging to my own pride. 

It gives me a lot to think about. We've got some serious discussion...He and I.